Dr. Rocky's Health Corner
Parents, we are continuing our series in setting boundaries. Teachers continue to struggle with classroom behaviors. It's not that they are losing control of their classrooms. It's that they're trying to enforce boundaries in a society that has become afraid to set them. A teacher, or school, can't be the only place in a child's life where they hear "no".
Setting Boundaries at Home and Preventing Anxiety Part 2
The first generation of gentle-parenting children are turning 12. Parents were told that if they explained every no and name every feeling, that they would be able to raise calm children who listen without being told twice. Unfortunately, the results are NOT what parents were promised.
Here is what parents have discovered:
- A no became an opening offer.
Parents of 10-12 year-olds share that their children often "argue every rule like a lawyer." Years of explained no's taught their children that a good enough argument changes the answer.
- Children can name their feelings, but still can't take the no.
Parents report that children can communicate when frustrated or upset, but the anger and uncalm behavior is still there. Naming a feeling is a good skill, but taking a limit is another skill children need to learn.
- Hard things feel unfair.
Children feel a tough homework sheet or a lost game is unfair. This becomes a fight about about fairness. When children learn have every hard moment smoothed over at 5, their frustration at 12 can feel like injustice.
- Limits move with parent's energy
Children have learned that depending on their parent's day, a rule holds or bends. By 12, they know exactly which day their parent is having and they will push every time, because sometimes the pushing works.
What can parents do to set boundaries and help decrease anxiety:
- Keep warmth. Kids who feel close to their parents tell them more.
- Skip shame consequences
- Keep your "no". Say it in a kind, firm way, on good and tough days.
- Let children solve problems. You can be close by, but they need to grow.
- Play games at home and don't let them win.
Starting these approaches are hard. Be patient. The older the child, the longer is will take for behavior to change. You've got this!
Prior Dr. Rocky Topics (click on title)
How to Help Kids Talk About Learning Differences
Setting Boundaries at Home and Preventing Anxiety (not an endorsement or a recommendation to purchase the book)
